Here goes nothing...

Postpartum depression. Had you asked me a year ago if I ever thought I would be in this place, I would have laughed at you. In fact I really thought that I was better than people who went through things like this. But here I am. Proof that pride does in fact come before a fall.

Joint pain. Chest pain. Anxiety like nothing I've ever experienced. Sadness. Lots of tears. Zero interest in much of anything but sleeping. The Doctor and the counselor tell me that its postpartum depression. My anxiety tells me its a brain tumor or some other life threatening illness that is going to leave my husband and children without a wife and mother. See, I never felt great after I had my second child, but it was manageable. I had good days and bad days, but more good than bad. But I was anxious and worried. Then I lost a good friend to breast cancer at 28 two weeks after she gave birth to her first child. And all of the sudden all my anxieties had wings. It was as though my fears were actually valid. And I crashed.

My Doctor assures me that all of my bloodwork came back normal and that I am healthy. Although I'm not so sure that there isn't some kind of thyroid or hormone problem at work here.

I have never struggled with depression. I have never struggled with anxiety. I'm healthy. I have a great husband, two healthy kids, family willing to drop anything for me, no financial problems. Basically I have nothing to worry about, and yet I panic and I can't stop. As it turns out, I'm not better than people who struggle with depression. Now I'm one of them.

I'm determined to be myself. To feel free from all of this. I'm determined to be the mom that my kids deserve. And when I get on the other side I'm determined to make sure that I help some other Mom who feels the way that I do. And I'm going to remember this journey. I'm going to write down my prayers so that I can look back and praise God for his love and faithfulness to me. I'm going to milk this hell for all its worth and come out on the other side not smelling like smoke, like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Because Jesus is in this fire with me. I will not be burned. I'm going to trust that God has a plan for this, that He will use this for His good and one day I will be thankful for all of it.

Today I saw the counselor. Tomorrow I'm headed to a support group (which was hard to find by the way). Friday I'm headed to the psychiatrist to talk about medication. And in the meantime I'm going to fight this sinus infection that is not helping anything.