My Man.

Well, I've been feeling better this week....at least less anxious if nothing else. I saw the psychiatrist and she was wonderful and said that she thought between hormones and recent events that I have not dealt with well, I've just plain been having a really hard time. She attributes all of my joint aches and muscle pains, and everything else to anxiety, depression and hormones. I had no idea that all of this could be caused by that. There is part of me that still feels like I have a postpartum thyroid problem, but seeing as how no one will diagnose me with that, I'm kind of stuck waiting all of this out. To top it all off yesterday I came down with a super painful hemorrohoid. Awesome. This girl just cannot catch a break.

It isn't easy being married to me. It isn't that easy being married to me on a normal day, and its especially difficult being married to me right now. Satan is attacking my family on so many fronts. One of the things that attracted me to my husband many years ago when we were young, was that even as a young man he was unwavering in his faith and in his devotion to people he loved. He has never been blown and tossed by the wind. He is steady and he is the same man of character today that he was 10 years ago. Of course he has grown, changed and become a better man. But he has always been the most honest and faithful person that I know.

Last week was hard. It was really hard. My husband is a man of few words. He doesn't always have the perfect thing to say to a very scared and emotional woman. Last week he held me, he told me it was going to be okay, and in the past few months he has put up with a lot. A lot of tears, a lot of coming home and not knowing what he was coming home to. He has put up with a wife who is severely lacking in patience with the kids, and generally is hard to be around. And yet he has been graceful, kind, gentle....in fact, he has been all of the things that he vowed to be on the day we married. In the midst of last weeks storm, he sent me this simple email:

Ben, will you have this woman to be your wife to live together according to God’s decree in the holy estate of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, faithfully keep to her alone, so long as you both shall live?

Answer: I will

I'm so thankful for his faithfulness to me. I'm thankful that everyday he really does forsake all others for me alone. I'm thankful that he loves me not just with his words, but with his life. I'm thankful that he honors me in the way that he speaks to me and about me, and in the way that he supports anything and everything to heal me. I'm thankful that he keeps me. I feel like the past few months have been terribly unfair to him, and that none of this is what he was hoping and planning for when we got married. But everyday he choses to keep me anyway. It is my greatest privilege in life to wake up next to this man everyday. I hope one day I can repay him for the way that he has loved me everyday, but especially for the way he has made a daily choice to love me when its really really hard.

So, now I'm trying to focus on taking things one day at a time. Its not easy for me. I feel like there is a hamster on a wheel in my mind. My thoughts just never stop, they run wild. Thankfully, I have things like a really great husband to think about, so that I can attempt to avoid the anxiety.

So, last night didn't go super. I found it impossible to fall asleep. Thankfully God spared me from overwhelming anxiety and instead I was thinking about my dear family that has surrounded me. Despite those wonderful thoughts, exhaustion is no good for anxiety and depression. After finally sleeping I woke up tired and fearful. I saw a bruise on my leg and it was kind of big. A few inches at least. And I couldn't tell you where it came from. I became terrified...thinking of all the possible things that could be wrong with me to cause that. My Mom assured me that she has spent her life bruising like a peach and never knowing where they came from. Finally after a few hours I was able to breathe easier and think rationally about it. But it took all the little energy I had.

My Dear Dad came to the rescue and showed up at my house at 9 and proceeded to clean, fold laundry and help me take care of my sweet daughter (Son had Mothers Day Out today). If all that wasn't enough he drove me to the postpartum depression support group across town that I almost peed my pants walking into. As it turns out, support "group" is a loose defintion. I was the only one. Me and the therapist. As much as I want to hear other peoples stories so badly, and relate to other moms, it was nice. It was free. And in fact she encouraged me to bring my baby next time and not worry about a sitter. Its exhausting telling your story to someone that you don't know. But I liked her, and she cared and encouraged me. I'll be back there next Wednesday.

I'm thinking tomorrow is going to be a good day. I'm hopeful. Friday I have the psychiatrist appointment and my brother is off work and planning on spending the day with me and the kiddos.

In the meantime I'm counting on these promises:

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary, his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint and to him who has no might he increases strength. Isaiah 40:28-29

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Here goes nothing...

Postpartum depression. Had you asked me a year ago if I ever thought I would be in this place, I would have laughed at you. In fact I really thought that I was better than people who went through things like this. But here I am. Proof that pride does in fact come before a fall.

Joint pain. Chest pain. Anxiety like nothing I've ever experienced. Sadness. Lots of tears. Zero interest in much of anything but sleeping. The Doctor and the counselor tell me that its postpartum depression. My anxiety tells me its a brain tumor or some other life threatening illness that is going to leave my husband and children without a wife and mother. See, I never felt great after I had my second child, but it was manageable. I had good days and bad days, but more good than bad. But I was anxious and worried. Then I lost a good friend to breast cancer at 28 two weeks after she gave birth to her first child. And all of the sudden all my anxieties had wings. It was as though my fears were actually valid. And I crashed.

My Doctor assures me that all of my bloodwork came back normal and that I am healthy. Although I'm not so sure that there isn't some kind of thyroid or hormone problem at work here.

I have never struggled with depression. I have never struggled with anxiety. I'm healthy. I have a great husband, two healthy kids, family willing to drop anything for me, no financial problems. Basically I have nothing to worry about, and yet I panic and I can't stop. As it turns out, I'm not better than people who struggle with depression. Now I'm one of them.

I'm determined to be myself. To feel free from all of this. I'm determined to be the mom that my kids deserve. And when I get on the other side I'm determined to make sure that I help some other Mom who feels the way that I do. And I'm going to remember this journey. I'm going to write down my prayers so that I can look back and praise God for his love and faithfulness to me. I'm going to milk this hell for all its worth and come out on the other side not smelling like smoke, like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Because Jesus is in this fire with me. I will not be burned. I'm going to trust that God has a plan for this, that He will use this for His good and one day I will be thankful for all of it.

Today I saw the counselor. Tomorrow I'm headed to a support group (which was hard to find by the way). Friday I'm headed to the psychiatrist to talk about medication. And in the meantime I'm going to fight this sinus infection that is not helping anything.